One step at a time: Breaking the silence...this is my story

At the age of 15 I had to make an experience that changed my life completely.

Now at the age of 31 and after several ground-shaking and eye-opening events in my life that almost broke me, I am finally brave enough to break the silence. Years have passed where I tried to speak up about what happend to me and have been blamed that it has been my own fault or told that I have deserved to be treated that way. There were many people calling me a liar and attention seeker and so-called friends who protected my attacker because in their opinion I only wanted attention and he was such a good guy with a military career... I have given myself only to those who brought me the same pain I had experienced that day. I have made too many bad choices, too many mistakes, listened to wrong advice and hurt too many people until I finally got to the point where I am now. I have taken pain the same way as I gave it back. And because my attacker was never punished for what he did to me and moved to another country to live a happy life, I started to blame myself and hurt people, who probably really loved me. Only because of the fact that I started to believe that no-one could ever feel real love for me.

Now after all this struggle I finally had to break these chains in my mind which brought me in situations causing only pain to me and my loved-ones. Now I finally decided to open up about what affected my whole life. I decided that all these people were wrong and that it wasn't my fault. I did't deserve to be sexually assaulted at the age of 15 by a much older man! Pain is not always visible and abuse has many different forms. Like every human being, I, too, deserve to be happy and live a normal life without hurting myself and people who love me! Hurt people hurt, but I decided to break this cycle. I decided that I CAN make a change for my life. And I did. Starting with the refuse to keep quiet any longer.

I am not a victim anymore. Neither do I want any pity, nor am I ashamed, nor do I seek attention! I have all I need in my life finally. I AM a survior! And this is my story...

In 2013 I started a photography project called "the inner prison" to show people who struggle with the effects of sexual abuse that there is a way out. I am really thankful for the wonderful people who helped me creating this photography project, that also helped myself to express my own feelings!!! Now I am brave enough to talk about my experiences. With this project I wanted to create pictures which made people aware of what is happening to too many, much too often and show up how these experiences control and affect all of their life, their relationships and their behavior. Most of these people remain quiet... It could be your friend, who always drinks too much at parties and sleeps with too many men. It could be your neighbour, who never smiles and barely talks. It could be your sister, who changed so much all of a sudden but swears that everything is ok and curses you because you're too nosy. It can be the tough guy whom everybody admires but who is not able to have a lasting relationship... It could be everyone...Open our eyes... If you are to do something about this, start with finding the right ones to blame!

For those people who are to read this and are hopeless..there is hope! It is possible to break the cycle of hurt! You will be loved and love yourself again! You just have to believe. Speak up! Break the silence! Tell your story! Your voice counts! Somewhere, somebody will listen and your story might be his or her turning point!