Supporting a Victim of Sexual Assault
When someone is the victim of a sexual assault or rape and they make the decision to open up to you about it, it is not a decision they make lightly. There are very real fears that come with disclosing an experience so personal and shattering. The greatest gift you can give a person who has been the victim of a sexual assault or rape is support. Here are a few tips on how to respond if someone you are close to tells you their story or a fraction of it.
1. Don’t make it about yourself. You have every
right to feel anger towards the perpetrator. You have every right to
feel hurt, confused and even protective. But whatever you do, do not
make the situation about you. Unless the victim specifically asks you
about how you feel, you need to refrain from talking about how it
affects you and showing your anger. If they do happen to ask about how
you feel, keep it short and re-affirm that what matters is how they
feel. They need to be heard and feel comfortable knowing they are your
number one priority in that moment.
2. Don’t blame the victim. Do not, under ANY circumstances, ask them why they were drunk, what they were wearing, why they were with a particular person, whether they flirted, if they were at a bar, if they were watching their drink, why they walked the person home, why they didn’t fight back or if they did, why they didn’t fight hard enough. Don’t. Most likely, there is nothing you can say that they have not thought themselves. Remember - nothing justifies or excuses rape or sexual assault. Only rapists cause rape.
3. Do not define their experience/s for them. Don’t tell a victim it wasn’t rape or it wasn’t a big deal because of A, B and C. It is not your place and you would not only invalidate their feelings, you would be dismissing the trauma caused by the event. Don’t forget, rape occurs in the absence of a sober, enthusiastic, freely given “YES”. Regardless of gender, sexuality, ability or race.
4. Re-affirm that it wasn’t their fault. I can’t stress enough how important it is to tell the victim that what happened to them was not their fault. Most victims blame themselves at some point and some don’t stop blaming themselves. It is the result of a toxic society that tells people certain things or actions invite rape. Re-assure the victim that nothing they did encouraged the assault. There is no excuse.
5.Don’t bombard them with questions. Let them tell the story, with as little or as much detail as they are comfortable with. Don’t plague them with 50 questions as this can be intrusive and they may not be ready or comfortable enough to expose certain details. The best you can do is let them know they can tell you as much as they want to. If you’re unsure if they want to say more you can ask “Would you like to continue or is this as much as you can tell me?”.
6. Be patient. Allow the victim to talk at their own pace. Certain details may be difficult to discuss and there may be moments of silence while the victim collects their thoughts. Don’t push. Silence is okay and can be comforting. It shows you are listening. You can say “It’s okay, take your time” if you want to let them know your attention is 100% on them.
7. Don’t try to “convince” them to report. Reporting a sexual assault can be traumatizing in itself. Remember, the justice system is flawed. There a people in power who victim blame and will side with the abuser. Do not guilt trip them. If the victim feels they can handle what can come with reporting, it’s up to them. The main focus needs to be the victim and what they feel comfortable with.
8. Ask the victim what they need from you to help them. Let them know you are there to support them with whatever they need and make sure to ask them what you can do to help them. They may just want a listening, non-judgemental ear. They may want to let someone know so they have a support base.
9. Ask before making physical contact. Sometimes we feel inclined to offer physical comfort to someone who is hurting. Do not initiate physical contact without asking first. “Would a hug help you feel okay or do you need space?”. Respect their decision and don’t feel offended. They may not respond well, even to platonic touch.
10. You won’t always know what to say, and that’s okay. You don’t have to fill every silence. Letting them control the conversation means there will be moments where you won’t have anything to say. As long as you let them know you will support them in whatever way they need, you are giving them the opportunity to let their feelings out in a safe space and that is SO important.
Listen, don’t judge and be the best person you possibly can. That is the side of you they need and deserve.
2. Don’t blame the victim. Do not, under ANY circumstances, ask them why they were drunk, what they were wearing, why they were with a particular person, whether they flirted, if they were at a bar, if they were watching their drink, why they walked the person home, why they didn’t fight back or if they did, why they didn’t fight hard enough. Don’t. Most likely, there is nothing you can say that they have not thought themselves. Remember - nothing justifies or excuses rape or sexual assault. Only rapists cause rape.
3. Do not define their experience/s for them. Don’t tell a victim it wasn’t rape or it wasn’t a big deal because of A, B and C. It is not your place and you would not only invalidate their feelings, you would be dismissing the trauma caused by the event. Don’t forget, rape occurs in the absence of a sober, enthusiastic, freely given “YES”. Regardless of gender, sexuality, ability or race.
4. Re-affirm that it wasn’t their fault. I can’t stress enough how important it is to tell the victim that what happened to them was not their fault. Most victims blame themselves at some point and some don’t stop blaming themselves. It is the result of a toxic society that tells people certain things or actions invite rape. Re-assure the victim that nothing they did encouraged the assault. There is no excuse.
5.Don’t bombard them with questions. Let them tell the story, with as little or as much detail as they are comfortable with. Don’t plague them with 50 questions as this can be intrusive and they may not be ready or comfortable enough to expose certain details. The best you can do is let them know they can tell you as much as they want to. If you’re unsure if they want to say more you can ask “Would you like to continue or is this as much as you can tell me?”.
6. Be patient. Allow the victim to talk at their own pace. Certain details may be difficult to discuss and there may be moments of silence while the victim collects their thoughts. Don’t push. Silence is okay and can be comforting. It shows you are listening. You can say “It’s okay, take your time” if you want to let them know your attention is 100% on them.
7. Don’t try to “convince” them to report. Reporting a sexual assault can be traumatizing in itself. Remember, the justice system is flawed. There a people in power who victim blame and will side with the abuser. Do not guilt trip them. If the victim feels they can handle what can come with reporting, it’s up to them. The main focus needs to be the victim and what they feel comfortable with.
8. Ask the victim what they need from you to help them. Let them know you are there to support them with whatever they need and make sure to ask them what you can do to help them. They may just want a listening, non-judgemental ear. They may want to let someone know so they have a support base.
9. Ask before making physical contact. Sometimes we feel inclined to offer physical comfort to someone who is hurting. Do not initiate physical contact without asking first. “Would a hug help you feel okay or do you need space?”. Respect their decision and don’t feel offended. They may not respond well, even to platonic touch.
10. You won’t always know what to say, and that’s okay. You don’t have to fill every silence. Letting them control the conversation means there will be moments where you won’t have anything to say. As long as you let them know you will support them in whatever way they need, you are giving them the opportunity to let their feelings out in a safe space and that is SO important.
Listen, don’t judge and be the best person you possibly can. That is the side of you they need and deserve.
Source: http://webelieveyou.tumblr.com/
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